Life is not fair, only eventful (repost from Myspace Blog)

In my youth, was a promise; a hope of a tomorrow yet to come. Had I known as a child what truly lay ahead for me, I would not have rushed blindly forward, longing for adulthood. I would have taken so much more time to enjoy carefree days and untroubled dreams that are the blessings of innocence and ignorance. My years on earth have taught me one great and overwhelming fact: what is in the past can never be undone. Mistakes and regrets are doomed to follow me all of the days I am yet to live. Thoughts of love acquired and lost, friends found and taken away, dreams realized and quashed. Do all these become illusions as I grow in knowledge and years, or is there still a reality I’ve yet to find.

I am still to determine which of these is of greatest remorse to me personally, or whether there truly are second chances in life. I have witnessed that only very few people through either sheer will, luck, or divine intervention ever find the right magic, the perfect combination of events to have the chance to realize the same dream twice. On one hand I am told to live as thought there is no tomorrow, and on the other I am told to relax and become a patient man. Yet again I am unsure of which path is correct; having tried both I am left as confused as when I began my journey. Yes, maybe there is a time and place for both but not being able to accomplish both at the same time in any one situation, I sometimes find myself doing neither. I simply am unsure, and I do nothing but observe from a safe distance, attempting to avoid the pain of being incorrect. No longer living and loving on purpose.

It has become painfully clear that only after the fact do I realize which path was true and just for any certain occurrence or problem in my life. Having no one to guide me on this journey through life, I am left to my own flawed decision making and I am more often than not left with these errors in my judgment as my calling card; hurting both on my part as well as others involved.

Any one man is only left with so many apologies in him with which too make amends and to be allowed to continue in any relationship. When I’m sorry takes on the tone of insincerity, the only options left available now become dependent on the soul of the injured and the hurt who must decide the worthiness and fate of the wrongful individual; the eventual outcome. This can be devastating and emotionally indifferent to the apologizing heart. To feel it is better in the long run to get out while you can replaces the desire to try again for the sake of love. Hurt feelings become anger and bitterness; an attempt to leave behind the pain and effort of giving in to natural human error, to not see things through to the other side. The idea that every storm has a front, and an end is lost in the heat of battle, and then not addressed until it is to late. The notion that one should never end an argument angry is seldom practiced.

Is there ever true forgiveness in man, or does this exist only as a divine ideal. With true forgiveness should come reconciliation. The thought that one can be forgiven and not allowed to carry on as before eludes even me no matter how hard I strive against it. Does man-kind do imperfect deeds so as to draw us closer to the only perfect being, the Lord, or is it simply free will.

Is that what we have become reduced to; a world of beings simply doing what feels good to us, lost in self. Do friendship and love not deserve more. Many would say it has ended because it wasn’t meant to be, but then why enter into it in the first place. Is it for attention or affection? If that is the case, then I must continue to ask why enter it in the first place. Are those things you only want for awhile and then become tired of, no longer needing. Of course not! It is human nature to desire the comfort and caring of another. It is one thing to enter into a relationship in too big a hurry and only later realize the person you are with is not who you hoped, but it is another to decide the effort becomes to arduous a task to be of importance. Frustrations are normal, and cannot be helped when two people become close. To see such as a reason to take away ones caring from another becomes cruel and possibly insurmountable for the one being left behind, stationary in life.

After such an occurrence, why is it not reasonable to feel left out, forgotten and betrayed. Yes, betrayed! By placing trust and love and your emotions in another’s control, it can only be reasonable to also assume that they bear some guilt and responsibility in the aftermath and subsequent lack of emotional rebound that sometimes never takes place. As my time on this earth rolls by faster and faster with each passing day, I cannot help but feel that it is beginning to slowly creep up on me, one day overtaking me and quieting my last breath upon which I pray is one last word of hope. Should I run out of time, is the search enough to allow my body a quiet sleep, and my soul to be at peace.

Or shall I continue my search for completion and comfort long after this life has ended and I have moved on to the next. Is simply settling for contentment enough to achieve fulfillment. Is anyone ever truly happy. If so what then, do we move to a new search, or do we start the same journey over again, leaving behind what brought us peace in the first place; do we become trapped in complacency. Does happiness in itself provide enough to keep us settled. Is there happiness in contentment, or contentment in happiness?